Small steps and LOVE

What am I doing well?

• Struggling my way through this career change, life change, dream focused PROCESS, which proves to be quite difficult and exhausting, frankly, most of the time. But I keep working through it. For the first time in a very long time--perhaps EVER--I am not running away. I am not making excuses. I am not ignoring the voice grating in the back of my mind. I am listening to my heart-song, my true spirit. And no matter how hard it is or becomes, I'm happy that I keep showing up each day, committed to myself.
• Making a decision and COMMITTING to it. Each time I'm faced with an obstacle, a judgement, a question, a fear, I stand my ground. I am making this commitment to start making movement and choices based on what I need. ME. Not anyone else. And through this seeming selfishness, I KNOW I will be able to be far more generous than I've ever been.
• I have made movement (dancing specifically) a part of my weekly routine. Most of the time, and when my ABC schedule allows, it is a daily part of my life. I like to call it part of my daily practice. I love this word and concept of PRACTICE--my dance practice, my yoga practice, my writing practice, my dreaming practice, my PRACTICE of the various realms in my existence. This negates the concept of perfection, which has blocked me for so long. They always say "practice makes perfect," but I like this: practice IS perfect. And although I feel like I'm hitting a familiar wall in my dancing (where I can't get out of my head and into my body, where my worries about not being good enough or capable enough start to impede my progress and JOY), I keep showing up. To practice.
• Although I'm my worst critic, and I know I could always do more and be better at teaching, at directing, at at at...I do think that I've done some good with these high schoolers, and I've enjoyed my time with them. When I am with them in the classroom debating or discussing issues, when I am with them on the stage working through a scene or a piece of choreography, when I'm chatting with them in the workroom, the cafe, the hallway, or where ever, I feel alive. They have touched me. In many ways, they've inspired me to be bold in this new decision. They've reminded me of that unbridled passion and optimism I once had--that I still have though it's been muted or dulled by the "real" world.
• The Glastonbury A Better Chance program. Period.

Lizzard.

You tore yourself from an established existence so you could open up a whole world of possibilities. You took small step after small step to make this big leap. You committed to yourself, too. And look at all of the rewards so far.... you are kicking ass at school (and even when you dug yourself into a hole, because of a professionally based opportunity mind you, you took small step after small step to regain your ground). You have found yourself a good man, who seemed to drop in your lap when you least expected it, when you were making all sorts of decisions for yourself and not looking for love at all (coincidence? I think not). You are maintaining long distance relationships with your family, learning how to navigate this new "adult" space we are all growing into. You are focused on a degree, but more than that, you are are consciously approaching the material from an angle of interest that you've developed over the years--you are actively finding a way to meld your loves together into one so that one day you can create the job, the life you always dreamed of. As difficult as it may seem day to day, you are right where you should be: you write your blogs, you write your papers, you learn your shit, you are supporting the people in your life, and you are doing all that while living your life. I am so so proud of you!

B.

You are incredibly hard on yourself. I know that so well--we have the same DNA--but you're not giving yourself nearly enough credit. Ultimately, you DO show up. You are a good brother, son, cousin, friend. You are a GOOD MAN, and that is so hard to come by. I couldn't be more proud to know you, not only as a sibling but as a person. You are one of my best friends and you are an inspiration. You have been making choices and living your life the way you want to for as long as I can remember, making no apologies or excuses. You discovered what your artistic love was early on and you pursued it, boldly and passionately. You committed to playing so much that you walked away from basketball in high school, and while I know you wished you were part of that championship team, you did something that few teenagers are able to do: know what they want so much to make hard choices and KEEP making hard choices into adulthood. I admire that so much. And now...you are actually living it. You are playing and making and loving music and the community that comes out of it. I think you are at a BEAUTIFUL place right now, fraught with possibility and CHANGE. If you, your band, your friends, stay focused on what you want and take small step after small step toward your goal, I know you will make it to that summer tour (and many other tours) that you are seeing in your dreams.

To both of you--I love you forever. I am so thankful for the two of you and this dream we are fertilizing. Thank you for putting up with my madness and emotions lately (and always, because I know I am an emotional creature by nature). Thank you for sharing a dream with me, and helping me believe that it WILL actually come true. We are making it come true every day.

Small step by small step.

As far as support goes, let's keep doing THIS. And if ever, whenever, the inspiration strikes, let's try to shoot quick emails, texts, or posts on this blog, no matter how short or random. It will keep our attention coming back to this space--even if only for a moment--as we navigate the day to day.

Listing our goods

What is it that I am doing well?

This is a difficult one as I am apt to say, "You suck!! You are a lazy sac o' shit and never do enough!!"

Well that might be a bit over-dramatic but it holds a lot of truth.
I don't do enough.

But I guess I've done two things...

I am creating music consistently.
I am knitting my way into the artistic community in the Allston/Brighton/Cambridge area through the shows I play and the peeps I meet at them, the people I chat and hang with in between practices at New Alliance...


I don't know...otherwise I feel like I've been a sham to this whole thing. I have a lot of words I can say but when it comes down to it, I don't really get shit done.
I've casually slid through life and I think it's starting to come back to bite me in the ass. I get by and expect everything to be ok. But it isn't. Expecting it to only makes it worse. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK it!

You ever feel like your suspended in mid-air? Not knowing when you'll start falling or if the ground will re-appear? Just complete blank unknowing? I get that...not always, but I fucking get it. And I hate it, but I fucking swallow it down and don't do enough about it. I just feel like I'm becoming more and more of a prick. Just a fucking ass-hole.

Why, WHy, WHY.
cause i'm fucking hungry!

Liz -

Your are immersing yourself in the world of helping people. Your are taking control and going down the road you've been talking about for a while. You are in the shit and you're tearing it up! You are being sought after by your superiors because they see that special gift you have. The gift of understanding people. Understanding and piecing together fragmented minds that need guidance. You are doing all of this so well in a completely new place, far away from your home, your fam(the immediate one), your man and your long time friends all the while in the midst of a ridiculous living situation that screams reality television! You are taking the steps you need to because you need to and you're not letting anyone get in your way. I couldn't be prouder of you because you're dooooinnn iit Lizzzy! AAaannnnddd you're playing softball! Who doesn't love softball?!

Tina-

I am so sorry that I have been missing from your life these past few whatevers. I have let time and space take a stranglehold of our relationship. I let my guard down and didn't even know. The problem is I should have known...I should have provided you with way more brotherness. Welcome to Ian being a douche.

You are doing everything you should be right now and you're doing it in the face of intense opposition. You are dancing again. You are searching for a new job. You are actively seeking out artistic performance and as always you are directing High School musicals. This while putting so much energy into being one of the best English teachers ever to grace Glastonbury Public School system and being a surrogate mother to a house of boys I know wouldn't trade you for anyone. You are the most bubbly, expressive, loving, warm, intense, passionate, focused person I've ever known.
You are doing so many things to better yourself and put yourself in the place you've envisioned right now. I don't know how you do it. But you do. and you've been proactively taking the reins of our space as it stands today. And I'm glad you did.


So these aren't exactly lists but I just straight up think you guys are killing it right now. Like seriously. Soooo good. Soooo right on. You both are really all the inspiration I should ever need.

How we are to get to that place. The space.

Life in the the day to day seems to get bogged down or shall I say
bogs people down.

Not all the time, but there sure is something to be said about getting too consumed with the go-go bustle of typical work days.

The way that many cope with this is through their dreams.
The future they see for themselves that makes them smile.
These dreams are what we feel is important.

When I think of my future, I see things relatively clearly.
I want to write and perform music.
That is my base, my foundation, my rock.
There is much more to it than that but it all stems from this
root.

Personally I need to perform in a summer festival tour of some sort
before my days are numbered. That is the ultimate! That is where I will be
the freest, happiest, Zenest me I can be! Those moments that I have playing in my head so vividly, of being on stage in front of thousands of people singing along to our music and jumping and running around in pure bliss. A community. A rock show is a community. When a great band interacts with the crowd through their music, a bond is formed and a community is born. Through each lyric sung together the band and audience become one living thing of absoluteness. Nothing but energy, happiness and sweat!!

Once I reach these goals with my music, I do see myself hunkering down and trying to build or help a community through the arts.

I envision a space that we would call our home. A place that can hold all of our ideas at once! A place where the people I want to be around will BE around most of the time! I want everyone to feel welcome. This place will be comfortable. It will be lively and fresh. It will be bubbling with creativity. I want to see painting happening while guests and friends are eating healthy meals or sipping tea and coffee, while a musician is serenading us with lovely tunes. I see a warehouse amount of space that has art studios, music studios, yoga studios etc. I see classes happening. Lots of things. Gardens. Growing. Making for a better life.
Creating a peaceful and sustainable life through our work is what I see and want. Make life better as we move forward toward the dreams we have.

What can we do to get to this fabulous place?
Welp... The final vision is pretty grandiose, so it all comes down to preperation.
The steps we can take, I can take, are basic.
I need to teach guitar lessons. Starting small by having one or two students for now, but this is part of the community I envision...having art and music available for all who want to be a part of it. So if I start teaching my art to others now, I am already better preparing for our future endeavors that will without a doubt involve teaching to those willing to learn.

I also need to keep getting further involved in the community that already exists at New Alliance. This is where Zip-Tie practices along with soo many other great bands. This is also where we and countless others have recorded albums and had them mastered. So many interesting people pass in and out of this place and I am lucky enough to be around it a few times a week. This is the perfect place to understand the way different artistic minds weave together to form a great community. It may even be a good place to showcase our talents or test our ideas....

The band and I have talked about even selling sandwiches in the building because we know bands want to eat. So that is another thing that could easily happen in the short term and would give us some small experience with some business venture of sorts..

thoughts. thoughts....

oh the thoughts.

the sun is not done yet.

but may be soon.

I Took 15 Minutes.

1. If you were to close your eyes and visualize what your dream looks like, how would you describe it? What does it look like? What does it feel like? If it feels right to simply address your piece of the pie, your current and personal preparatory state of the dream, then write about that. If it feels right to describe what the physical or emotional space looks like to you, then do that. Wherever you are in your vision, go with it. Give your desires shape and life through your words.

It’s on the corner. At the end of an urban street. But not a scary urban street. The kind of street you wouldn’t worry about your high school students hanging around on a Saturday night with their friends.

There’s the café. You know. The one that doubles as a music venue/Irish pub at night. There is a porch. Umbrellas. The kind of outdoor furniture you have to bolt to the ground because people would steal it if you didn’t.

Above it you can see the windows of my private practice. When you enter the café, no one knows if you are there for coffee or therapy. Or maybe both.

Down the hall at the back of the café you see the doors to the private rooms used for art classes and community group meetings. At the end of it you see the industrial doors that lead to the warehouse. We didn’t bother to cover the graffiti.

The warehouse is massive. There are multiple dance studios. Recording rooms. Art labs. Not to mention the gym. Where the winterguard gets prime practice time over the basketball team. But don’t worry. The basketball team gets time too.

I always picture the space differently. But I always picture myself walking through it in the same way: I see all the important people in my life working their passion into the different parts of the space. Tina is usually sweating... her arms stretched up and outward in the middle of some dance set... her students watching... waiting for their turn. Ian always has headphones on... neck muscles flexing almost in rhythm to whatever masterpiece he is working on. Mike is always bent over an easel... and now he pulls a little girl with red hair and a crooked smile up onto his knee to see the picture he was sketching of her mother. My dad is working the bar with Vicki... they make jokes and throw shit at each other. My mom and Kate are arranging the flowers on the tables, checking on the books in the library and gift wrapping the items people are buying in the craft shop/gallery. And now I see Kevin and his dad in the kitchen... and they always let me taste the new dish they’ve been working on.

I never actually envision myself doing anything... except enjoying. And finally feeling home again.

2. What does your dream need right now? How can you (or WE) support it? This could also include how you are feeling currently.

My dream needs the meat. It needs the street cred. It needs the mother fucking PhD. It needs the butts in the seats and the cash in the pockets.

We need to be established and successful. We need the proof that this will be worth the investment. We need to stop waiting until Sunday night to finish all of our homework. We need to live the way we want to now... even if the space doesn’t exist to make it all easier yet. We need to celebrate the small steps we are taking... even if we miss our regularly scheduled everythings. Because we are taking steps.

A dream this big needs the time to grow.

So I signed up for a teleconference workshop with SARK, to work on keeping myself focused and energized. It is so helpful to continue verbalizing and naming my dream (our dream). It helps me believe it's real; it helps me SEE it. So in case y'all are interested, this is how I am currently verbalizing this thing we are in the middle of...
_______________________________________________

What dream(s) will you focus on during Dream Boogie with SARK?

My dream falls in the categories of service and the arts. I care about wellness in the body, mind, and creative spirit. I care about finding the healthiest, most inspired space within myself and helping others find it within themselves. I want to meld together my interests in dance, theater, writing, wellness, youth mentorship, community building, and education. I want to continue to stretch and grow in what I know—intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I want to support this spirit of growth and play in others, as well.

SPECIFICALLY (and long-term) MY DREAM IS......Creating a space—a physical place, but also a creative space within everyone who walks through the door—where multiple genres of art and creation and healing can occur. This space will allow for a community of artists and lovers of art. The genres will include music (with performance and recording opportunities), poetry, writing, multi-genre performance art, dance, yoga, theater, therapy (play therapy, dance/theater therapy, perhaps massage), etc. There will be classes, workshops, events continuously filling the space with life, excitement, and change.The space will be an ever-changing vessel for what the community that fills it needs at any given time. A concrete container for the ineffable energy pulsing through and generating from the people and the moments within.

What are your intentions for your participation in Dream Boogie with SARK? What do you intend to receive?

I would like to work on believing in myself. I would like to work on continuing to develop the image of this dream. Work on visualizing, but also work on what steps I PERSONALLY can take to make sure I’m moving forward.

Through that plan, hopefully I can continue keeping Ian and Liz (my brother and cousin who share this dream, and will be adding their own talents and energies to the endeavor) and me all on the same page and all individually working on our piece of the puzzle.I hope to receive creative energy from like-minded people.

I hope to receive feedback on the dream—does it seem like something people would benefit from? Does it seem possible to mash together so many different pieces, or does that make the idea too muddled, too complicated, too unmanageable? I hope to receive advice on how to plan my immediate steps and perhaps also my long-term steps. What should I be doing NOW to make sure I can realize this dream in THIS LIFETIME!!

My director's note for Fiddler on the Roof!

From essays by Anne Bogart

Found this in an old blog...

"Your attitude towards resistance determines the success of your work and your future. Resistance should be cultivated. How you meet these obstacles that present themselves in the light of any endeavour determines the direction of your life and career.Allow me to propose a few suggestions about how to handle the natural resistances that your circumstances might offer. Do not assume that you have to have some prescribed conditions to do your best work. Do not wait. Do not wait for enough time or money to accomplish what you think you have in mind. Work with what you have right now. Work with the people around you right now. Work with the architecture you see around you right now. Do not wait for what you assume is the appropriate, stress-free environment in which to generate expression. Do not wait for maturity or insight or wisdom. Do not wait till you are sure that you know what you are doing. Do not wait until you have enough technique. What you do now, what you make of your present circmstances will determine the quality and scope of your future endeavours.And, at the same time, be patient."