Small steps and LOVE

What am I doing well?

• Struggling my way through this career change, life change, dream focused PROCESS, which proves to be quite difficult and exhausting, frankly, most of the time. But I keep working through it. For the first time in a very long time--perhaps EVER--I am not running away. I am not making excuses. I am not ignoring the voice grating in the back of my mind. I am listening to my heart-song, my true spirit. And no matter how hard it is or becomes, I'm happy that I keep showing up each day, committed to myself.
• Making a decision and COMMITTING to it. Each time I'm faced with an obstacle, a judgement, a question, a fear, I stand my ground. I am making this commitment to start making movement and choices based on what I need. ME. Not anyone else. And through this seeming selfishness, I KNOW I will be able to be far more generous than I've ever been.
• I have made movement (dancing specifically) a part of my weekly routine. Most of the time, and when my ABC schedule allows, it is a daily part of my life. I like to call it part of my daily practice. I love this word and concept of PRACTICE--my dance practice, my yoga practice, my writing practice, my dreaming practice, my PRACTICE of the various realms in my existence. This negates the concept of perfection, which has blocked me for so long. They always say "practice makes perfect," but I like this: practice IS perfect. And although I feel like I'm hitting a familiar wall in my dancing (where I can't get out of my head and into my body, where my worries about not being good enough or capable enough start to impede my progress and JOY), I keep showing up. To practice.
• Although I'm my worst critic, and I know I could always do more and be better at teaching, at directing, at at at...I do think that I've done some good with these high schoolers, and I've enjoyed my time with them. When I am with them in the classroom debating or discussing issues, when I am with them on the stage working through a scene or a piece of choreography, when I'm chatting with them in the workroom, the cafe, the hallway, or where ever, I feel alive. They have touched me. In many ways, they've inspired me to be bold in this new decision. They've reminded me of that unbridled passion and optimism I once had--that I still have though it's been muted or dulled by the "real" world.
• The Glastonbury A Better Chance program. Period.

Lizzard.

You tore yourself from an established existence so you could open up a whole world of possibilities. You took small step after small step to make this big leap. You committed to yourself, too. And look at all of the rewards so far.... you are kicking ass at school (and even when you dug yourself into a hole, because of a professionally based opportunity mind you, you took small step after small step to regain your ground). You have found yourself a good man, who seemed to drop in your lap when you least expected it, when you were making all sorts of decisions for yourself and not looking for love at all (coincidence? I think not). You are maintaining long distance relationships with your family, learning how to navigate this new "adult" space we are all growing into. You are focused on a degree, but more than that, you are are consciously approaching the material from an angle of interest that you've developed over the years--you are actively finding a way to meld your loves together into one so that one day you can create the job, the life you always dreamed of. As difficult as it may seem day to day, you are right where you should be: you write your blogs, you write your papers, you learn your shit, you are supporting the people in your life, and you are doing all that while living your life. I am so so proud of you!

B.

You are incredibly hard on yourself. I know that so well--we have the same DNA--but you're not giving yourself nearly enough credit. Ultimately, you DO show up. You are a good brother, son, cousin, friend. You are a GOOD MAN, and that is so hard to come by. I couldn't be more proud to know you, not only as a sibling but as a person. You are one of my best friends and you are an inspiration. You have been making choices and living your life the way you want to for as long as I can remember, making no apologies or excuses. You discovered what your artistic love was early on and you pursued it, boldly and passionately. You committed to playing so much that you walked away from basketball in high school, and while I know you wished you were part of that championship team, you did something that few teenagers are able to do: know what they want so much to make hard choices and KEEP making hard choices into adulthood. I admire that so much. And now...you are actually living it. You are playing and making and loving music and the community that comes out of it. I think you are at a BEAUTIFUL place right now, fraught with possibility and CHANGE. If you, your band, your friends, stay focused on what you want and take small step after small step toward your goal, I know you will make it to that summer tour (and many other tours) that you are seeing in your dreams.

To both of you--I love you forever. I am so thankful for the two of you and this dream we are fertilizing. Thank you for putting up with my madness and emotions lately (and always, because I know I am an emotional creature by nature). Thank you for sharing a dream with me, and helping me believe that it WILL actually come true. We are making it come true every day.

Small step by small step.

As far as support goes, let's keep doing THIS. And if ever, whenever, the inspiration strikes, let's try to shoot quick emails, texts, or posts on this blog, no matter how short or random. It will keep our attention coming back to this space--even if only for a moment--as we navigate the day to day.